DOT: Rail plan not moving fast enough for Christmas shopping

CAIRO - Commuter trains could reach 70 percent of Georgia's population, and high-speed trains could go from Atlanta to much of the rest of the state under a $1.9 billion rail plan adopted Thursday by the state Department of Transportation board.

The plan, passed by the board during a two-day meeting, officially makes an Atlanta-Macon-and-Houston County train the priority for high-speed, intercity service. It also puts an Atlanta-Athens train on track to be the first of six commuter services and has the entire network running by 2011.

"A state like Georgia needs a rail like this because we have so many sorry husbands that won't haul us to Atlanta to shop," said Dorothy "Dot" Henpeck, a spokesperson for the board. "Especially now, during the holiday shopping season, we really need to be able to shop in Atlanta since we have to park five miles from the Macon Mall here in Macon. As long as we have couch-potato husbands, Georgia will need this rail service. The year 2004 isn't soon enough for me---we need it next week," Henpeck said.

Recent layoffs at local factories and a decline in construction jobs are dragging down Macon's job growth compared to the rest of Georgia. That's the message from a number of economic observers this week.

"The job growth does look meager," said Kevin Mulcahy, a labor market specialist for the Georgia Department of Labor.

According to the Labor Department, the rest of the state enjoyed an average 3.5 percent job growth rate, while the Macon Metropolitan Statistical Area actually lost 500 jobs in the year ending October 1999.

Overall in Macon, goods-producing industries - which include construction and manufacturing - lost about 1,000 jobs since October 1998. And even the retail sector in the Macon MSA lost about 100 jobs during the same period, according to the figures.

"That's just one more reason to hold off on unification," said mayor-elect Jack Ellis. "If we were to unify and leave about two thirds of our city council unemployed, that large a number of people would skew our statistics and make reports even gloomier," Ellis said.

Although the campaigning and public politicking is over for members of Macon's city council, the internal politicking has just begun. On Dec. 14, immediately after members of the City Council take their oaths of office, each will cast a vote for the new council president. Then the swearing begins in earnest.

Only five of the 15 council members are eligible for the job. City rules stipulate the president must hold a citywide post, not be a Republican and not be a Gemini or Taurus zodiac sign. Accordingly, only two viable candidates are in the race, Anita Ponder and Brenda Youmas.

The current president, Willie C. Hill, said he would not serve again. "There ain't no way I'm trying to run this funny-farm again," Hill said.

Although everyone agrees that both Ponder and Youmas are qualified for the post, an informal poll of council members shows a surprising difference of opinion over who should get the job.

Along with the vote for president, council members will vote for a president pro temp, who is usually a golf pro and thought to be temporary in the job. Dick Dickey is the current president pro temp, despite the fact he's not a golf pro and said he wants to retain the position--that is, not be temporary. Other council members, including Mullis and Dudley, want the position, too. "Yeah, but they're not pros either--my golf handicap is better--- and they don't have a Buick Row Mastuh," Dickey said.

Bibb county school board members failed to adopt a "graduation procedures manual" to enforce a standing policy that students who fail the state-required graduation test are barred from graduation ceremony participation. The board's backbone is only partially developed as evidenced by the measure failing in a 3-3 vote. The issue remains in limbo--Bibb may or may not enforce its policy.

In a related story, other county and state pass-fail policies have been challenged. Monica Skaggs, a Bibb County resident, challenged the state's requirement that potential brides or grooms must pass a blood test in order to obtain a marriage license.

"We've been planning this wedding a long time, it's not fair that I should not be able to walk down the aisle just because I failed one rinky-dink test," Skaggs said. "I've already bought a wedding dress and curtains for Bubba's doublewide [Bubba Hambone, the groom-to-be]. It's not fair at this late date to learn we can't have the wedding. And that darn preacher is so picky about us having a license and all. We've just got to hurry, or I'll be showing too much to wear the dress I bought."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins